My reflections after watching the man with 1,000 kids

Netflix documentary the Man with 1000 kids

It took me a long time to watch this new documentary on Netflix. Was it that I didn't want to pay for Netflix again, or was it that I didn't want to see how easily this situation happened? Maybe a bit of both.

I know a lot of people have watched it, and it has raised valid concerns for them on whether they have done the right thing or not having a child using donor conception or whether they should embark on motherhood this way. I thought I'd share my key takeouts from the documentary, and I'd love to get your thoughts in the comments.

1. We put a lot of faith in some words on paper when we choose a donor. I have an idea in my head about what my donor is like based on the answers he wrote to the questions in his profile. This is 100% my own experiences and biases coming into the fantasy of what he could be like if I ever met him. I chose my donor primarily based on how he answered his questions, as his values seemed to align with my own, but there is nothing to say he will live up to the ideal I have. There is also a genuine chance that he doesn't want anything to do with me or my daughter when/if she decides she wants to connect with him. As a mother, I need to be prepared to support my daughter regardless of the outcome. 

2. It has made me more conscious of how I talk about the donor and when I'm looking at children's books about donor conception. It has made me more aware of books that over-inflate the importance or generosity of the donor in helping the mum create the child. I don't want my daughter to have an idea in her head of this man that he might not live up to. At this stage, she hasn't been overly interested in him, but I will keep the information as factual as possible when she is. We have the donor profile so she can go through his responses rather than me telling her about him as if I know him.

3. Scarilly, there is no real way currently to prevent this happening with many more donors. There is no central donor register, and clinics don't share their donor information, so they hope they have judged the donor's character correctly and that he hasn't already donated multiple times. There is also no way to know if he isn't also donating privately and through Facebook groups or apps. And if he is, there is no real recourse. 

4. In saying that, it shouldn't actually be that hard to create a central register and even a global register—the donations are DNA samples, after all. Sure, it would cost a lot, but that's the only real way to identify serial donors and prevent this from happening in the future.

5. Although it doesn't technically stop donors from donating privately, I personally prefer clinic-recruited donors as there is more control over the family limits and the ability to connect with the donor and donor siblings. Using a Facebook group or private app really is putting a lot of trust into the donor that they will adhere to sensible famliy limits and that they will facilitate connections with other famillies they have donated to. It would be great if there was a way private donations could also be included in donor/sibling registers like VARTA to better support the families created by that donor.

6. The donors I have met in real life have all been wonderful men with the right intentions for their donations and who genuinely want to connect with any children in the future who want to meet them. There have been some wonderful stories of the extended chosen families that are created this way, and we can't let a couple of very dodgy men ruin it for everyone. I still hope that the majority of donors are like the ones I have met.

7. It is such a terrible situation for all of the families involved, and the children are going to be impacted by having so many siblings. They will have to be very careful before getting into relationships due to the sheer number of children he has created and the global spread. As awful as it is, the parents are rightfully angry, but they still wouldn't change their children for the world. The donor is just one tiny part of their family and their future, and although he is clearly narcissistic, he has helped some beautiful families that possibly wouldn't exist otherwise. 

Overall, the key takeout for me was that until you meet your donor (if you use an unknown clinic-recruited donor), you really don't know who the person is. And even if you use a known or recruited donor (ie Facebook group), you are putting a lot of trust that someone is who they say they are. It's safest not to over-inflate the donor, so expectations aren't too high on who the man is for your children so they won't be too disappointed if he doesn't end up who they think he is.

I'd love to know if you agree with my takeouts or have your own in the comments.